Robbie Zein, author of The Choices System, has valuable insights to offer into understanding children’s emotions and actions. Here are her tips to help expat parents and carers understand why their child might be acting unpredictably.
Parenting is a challenge for everyone, but for expats, raising children in a new country can bring added difficulties. Children can get easily overwhelmed by having to adjust to new surroundings, different cultural norms and making friends, and their reactions to these stresses often leave parents baffled. Here we explore how you can interpret their behaviour in order to provide the best support for them.
Why children react the way they do
It is easy to forget that children are rarely deliberate in their reactions to things, especially stress or worry. They are not behaving in apparently naughty ways through malice or defiance, but due to their limited frame of reference. While adults can reflect on what has happened, and use their lived experience to put things into context and to reinterpret situations, children often leap directly from feeling something to doing something without any reflection time in between.
Often, behaviours such as disobedience or mood swings are caused by an underlying inability to articulate what is making them unhappy or worried. All children and parents have to learn to deal with this, but when a child may be additional missing their old friends, trying to fit into a new school or even just feeling tired and worn out from all the recent changes, unpredictable behaviour can be exacerbated.
Your child may not be able to reflect on their behaviour, but as an adult, you can. Take a moment to consider the child's perspective, and the context for their reactions, such as whether they are tired, unwell or overwhelmed. This can help guide you to a suitable response and reduce the chances of the situation escalating.
The five stress-release mechanisms
It is important to realise that stress is a natural part of life, even for children, and we all have built-in mechanisms to help us cope with it. Learning to recognise these five patterns of behaviour can help you better understand your child's emotional state.
1. Crying
Tears are often a sign that your child's "emotional cup" is overflowing, and they are feeling overwhelmed with everything that is going on. Feelings that have been building up during the day can result in a single moment of release, even in reaction to an apparently minor incident.
2. Laughing
All adults know that people sometimes laugh at inappropriate times, such as getting the giggles during a funeral. It's important to remember that children also experience this and that things such as laughing while being told off may be a way for them to process their stress or to defuse tension.
3. Sweating
Anxiety is a key cause of sweating. In children, this often manifests as clammy hands. Entering a new school or meeting new people are the types of situation where you might expect a child to have this reaction.
4. Shaking
Trembling or shaking is a natural reaction to stress or exhaustion. It is completely normal for children to do this after an emotionally or physical difficult day.
5. Yawning
Yawning is often assumed to mean a child is bored, but it actually has an important physical function for the body. Yawning helps the body to replenish oxygen and regain focus, and don't forget, it's completely involuntary.
Understanding these patterns of cause and effect can help parents and carers tend to their children's needs with compassion rather than frustration.
Perception and interpretation
Children are extremely sensitive to their environment, but they lack the life experience that could help them accurately interpret it. When trying to understand words or actions, they can often have a more dramatic and emotionally charged reaction than is called for. For example, a simple reprimand might be misinterpreted as rejection. This can mean their reaction seems over the top, but to the child, it is a logical response to a serious, emotional wound.
Parents and carers should make sure they take time to reflect on their own responses, as it can be easy to inadvertently reinforce undesirable behaviour. An overreaction to unusual behaviour might encourage a child to repeat it for attention. Instead, take the time to listen to your child, and discuss their experiences and feelings. This open dialogue can help provide them with clarity about why they are feeling something, and teach them valuable emotional processing skills.
Keep it simple
As an expat family, there can be a lot of different factors having an impact on your child's emotional state. When trying to work out what is causing unusual behaviour in your child, keeping your approach simple is usually the best method. Instead of jumping to conclusions or trying to dig deep into hidden motives, start by considering simple questions such as:
- What did the child experience today?
- Have they had enough rest?
- Are they properly fed?
- Could they be missing a particular person or routine?
These straightforward questions can often result in greater understanding and compassion for your child.
A call for conscious parenting
The most important thing to remember is that looking after children isn't always easy or instinctive. You need to ensure you are fully present for these difficult moments, and to consider your own behaviour too.
Conscious parenting requires self-awareness: “Is our current attitude helping us and others? If not, we must change it."
Embracing this mindset will not only help your children to thrive in their new and unfamiliar environment, but it also helps create a family dynamic with openness and understanding at the heart. By taking the time to decode their actions with empathy and informed interpretation, you can nurture their ability to adapt and flourish - no matter where in the world they are.
Parenting in an expat environment doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Visit the Ask Zein website or follow them on Facebook to explore resources tailored to expat families. Whether you have general questions or want personalised support, they are here to help.